I haven’t been blogging as much as a want because I’m trying to get my life together lol. It’s crazy because I’ve literally cried like every other day the past month, and I finally feel like the storm is passing. I see a peak of sunshine, but I have a few more hours until it completely comes out. Of course I’m emotionally exhausted but I’m never giving up. I know the life I want and I’m not giving up on that. I’ve been through too much shit. I deserve happiness.
Nonetheless, I’ve struggled with being a loner like my whole life. At first, it was because I was teased and excluded in school….Boy, I wish I was the me then, that I am now. I would’ve served them their ass on a platter….Then, as I got older, I just felt like I didn’t fit in. In high school, there were just a lot of things beyond my control. In college, I was optimistic, but I went to a college as small as my high school. I just didn’t care anymore. I had given up on people.
I fear never having this big circle of people around to be there and have fun with, so I have sometimes forced relationships to work. I just know how certain people are, so to stay on good terms, I played a role. All that mattered was I could laugh and have fun with them, so when they made me feel bad or uncomfortable, no big deal. They do or say things because they’re dealing with this or that. What about what I could be going through? When I finally have the opinion, “how could you say that?” I’m over that. I want to be me. If that causes a problem, this isn’t a relationship I want to be apart of. I want relationships where I can always be myself. I can laugh, cry, drink, be silly, be serious, and just be unapologetically human, and still be loved. Now, that’s how you know someone cares for you. Though it hurts sometimes when certain relationships are broken, it feels good to not put up with certain things anymore. “When it’s God it flows. When it’s you, it’s forced.” Flow into your destiny and where you belong people.